The Beginner's Guide to Being a Fanboy: Part 4
Tuesday, December 30, 2008 5:16 PM
Before ending the final installment of a Beginner's Guide to Being a Fanboy with an enlightening conclusion, Chris Capel touches upon arguably the very first video gaming Fanboy; the PC Fanboy. Are you a PC?
Introducing your child to the world of gaming is a tough business, but more important than choosing a system is selecting a side to obsess over. Yes, I'm talking about entering the wild and deeply irritating world of Fanboyism.
Part IV of The Beginner's Guide to Being a Fanboy will focus on PC fanboyism.
Yes, the PC. Some people might find it strange, but the PC Fanboy does exist. Unlike the others on this list, the PC doesn't have one particular company to get behind. Not even Microsoft, as that Fanboy has mostly abandoned the PC for the Xbox. You might find a PC Fanboy championing Windows, but they're relatively easy to beat down. Therefore, the PC Fanboy is mostly about games rather than hardware.
However, he must have the very best hardware. That is the worst thing about PCs; if you want to see games at their best, you'll need to have deep pockets or just be content with being poor after your purchase. And not only do you have to pay for the constant hardware replacements, your pockets will dry up from all those drinks you bought your computer-savvy mates for fixing busted systems.
Of course it's not just hardware you'll be fighting against, it's software too. Windows (especially Vista) will do its absolute best to make your PC experience hell, and for every bug you manage to hunt down, another will take its place.
If by some miracle your computer is in the mood to play a game, at least you'll have a healthy selection to choose from. Though before you play you'll have to install it...and Punkbuster...and DirectX...and then make sure your computer is up-to-date. Wait, Games for Windows Live? Steam? What the hell's that? No, I don't want it! Oh damn, the computer's crashed. Whoops...
To make up for the money spent on hardware, PC games are generally cheaper than their console brethren, but unfortunately the lucrative console market has made it harder to find great PC games in the shops. Then the games you do buy are spoilt by "three-installs only" rules (like Spore, the most pirated game of 2008) due to publishers being convinced that piracy is the reason for low PC game sales.
Many PC Fanboys believe that PC games are not only more adult, but that they play better on PC. And they might be right. Although it's an effort to get the games working, the mouse/keyboard setup is the natural home for First-Person games, Strategies, Adventures, Role-Playing Games, Action Adventures, Shoot-Em-Ups and the like.
Of course, if you're planning on playing Fighting or Driving games you'll need a joypad handy. This will then get the Console Fanboys asking why you bought the game on PC in the first place, to which you'll neatly reply; "It's the publisher's fault for not porting it to the PC properly".
Many people may be more comfortable sitting on a sofa in front of a 46" HDTV, but the PC Fanboy prefers being huddled around the little lair that is his desk. Expect to see Big Daddy figurines and Doctor Who or Batman action figures amongst a gigantic pile of games.
The PC Fanboy is and always has been slightly snobbish, so any mention of a video game's development being console focused is detestable. He's the gaming equivalent of that grumpy old man shouting, "Oi, get 'orf ma lawn you pesky kids!"
All those kids say that the grumpy old man will die soon, but they've been saying that for years and he's still going strong.
Now that you've got to the bottom of this chapter your computer's out of date and it's time to upgrade again. Get your wallet out.
Welcome to the first Fanboy who's devoted to both hardware and a company, but not to games. If you have chosen the Apple path, you'll have forsaken Gamezine and all computer games, barring a very late release of Lego Indiana Jones and a few nice iPhone games.
Apple Macs in general are more reliable and more user-friendly than PCs, and you may even be able to get some PC games running if you're willing willing to go through some hassle.
As a Fanboy though, you're no longer allowed to care about such things. Music, movies, work, photo editing, all lovely - but games? You're an Apple now, not a PC.
Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear, Are you late to the party! Think about this one when it's the 1990s again.
Whatever system you decide to obsess over, make sure you on no account have fun playing it. Instead, you must spend all your time on the internet defending your choice, voting for games based on hype rather than how much you enjoyed them, and bashing the opposition whether the bashing is warranted or not.
Fanboys must also watch out for any article on any website that vaguely mentions their obsession. Lighthearted and comedic articles will be greatly offensive, so make sure you nitpick them as much as possible.
Why not make a huge list of why Sony/Microsoft/Nintendo suck? Or you can make just plain wrong claims, such as the PlayStation 2 was more powerful than the GameCube, or that the Xbox actually had good launch games, or that Nintendo's grey logo is better than its red logo.
This is only a Beginner's Guide remember, so take baby steps; being a Fanboy is a lifetime occupation. Just make sure you don't actually touch the system you bought, that way you can keep an authentic air of ignorance. Besides, you won't have time for games with all the internet trolling you're about to start doing...
Please follow these links to read Part I, Part II and Part III of Chris's Beginner's Guide to being a Fanboy, which focus on PlayStation,Xbox and Nintendo fanboyism.